“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ―
As we move into the shadow time of year, we are called to go within and do inner work. I have noticed some resistance within myself lately regarding sharing my own personal transformation. I felt I needed to take a look at what might be causing this.
It was Fear.
Truth be told, I don’t like putting myself out there. As a sensitive soul, I FEEL DEEPLY. I would much rather be alone out in nature under a tree, tuning into the rhythms of the Earth and speaking to the angels in the land. But Spirit is calling me to put myself out there in bigger ways.
And it’s a challenge every single time.
It’s difficult because whenever eyes are on me, I can FEEL it. And it’s not a comfortable feeling. Sometimes the energy literally makes me dizzy and overwhelmed. Depending on the intensity of the energy, I may feel waves of nausea.
But I also realize my own ego’s need for control tends to amplify the discomfort I feel.
When I recognize this I can remind myself of my center, that pulses with the love, wisdom and power of the Infinite. Centered, I realize that I am not separate from Source. In these moments I know I never walk alone. I am able to move forward, as I trust in my path and my guidance.
Every day I am learning how to be comfortable in the midst of constant change and discomfort. Even though there are times I feel anxious and afraid, I keep moving forward as I am called to do. Refusing to allow fear to hold me back, I continue to dispel illusion at every turn.
I have always sensed the world differently from others. I knew things other people did not. Gifted with the second-sight, I saw and communicated with spirits. I often felt that no one understood me. As a result, I felt incredibly isolated and alone for most of my life.
Except when I was out in nature. Nature never judged me.
Growing up, I was always one of the tallest in the class and I felt huge in comparison to others. I felt uncomfortable whenever people would look at me. Regardless of whether I was thin or fat, I was not comfortable in my own skin.
Over the years, low self esteem took a toll on my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing. It’s tough to make healthy decisions if you don’t like yourself very much.
Addictions MASK FEAR TEMPORARILY
And yet, there is a part of me is playful and loves to be social and surrounded by people. A part of me wanted to feel included and accepted. That’s where alcohol came in.
Alcohol was a liquid elixir of courage that helped me break out of my comfort zone. It helped me numb out the discomfort caused by my sensitive empathic nature. And so, for a number of years, I self-medicated with alcohol and drugs to control how I was feeling.
But living with addictions and ignoring my spiritual gifts was not sustainable. It was unhealthy. Over time, my body became sick.
Not only was I overweight, I also developed chronic sinusitis. The energy imbalance was in the area of my 3rd eye, which is the seat of intuition, mental clarity and wisdom.
In 2005, I had sinus surgery and even then, western medicine could not heal me. It was the wisdom of my body that summoned me to walk a healing path. Only when I began listening to my body and soul did I begin to truly heal.
I’ve done a lot of work to change my programming over the years. How I see myself and interact with the world around me has changed. I’ve worked to heal low self-esteem, relationships, and cultivate healthy boundaries. I cut ties with the toxic people that were taking advantage of me and dimming my light.
Sometimes I look at myself and the body of my life as living art that I am creating. You have to put your art out there. Art is meant to be seen and yet, you cannot control how others will regard it.
Art is appreciated and art is often misunderstood. It can make people see the world in a new light. It can be beautiful or ugly. Art inspires us. It can pull something powerful out from within us. Art can trigger us and liberate us. Art is magic.
And I have grown stronger over the years – with every choice, action and decision. I learned how to love myself through my Reiki practice. As I gave myself Reiki, I healed and became stronger through a daily practice of self-love.
As I continue to grow and put myself out there in new ways, I know that fear will try to creep in. I am aware that the anxiety I feel is connected to old wounds and unknown outcomes.
As a Priestess and a Seer, I remember past lifetimes of persecution. Of being hung or burned or killed for being different. Some of the faces around me in my present life resemble the ones who persecuted me in past incarnations.
In these moments, I remind myself that the past is over. I detach from fear and remain in the power of the present moment. I re-mind myself of all that I have survived, which has made me strong.
In this lifetime, I’ve survived rape as well as mental and emotional abuse. Even though for I never really thought of myself as “pretty”, I found myself the target of jealousy and envy on many occasions. I’ve been shunned and outcast and feared just for being different.
I have even been attacked with magic as insecure paranoid witches threw hexes at me. Bless those souls for revealing my blind spots! Even though suffering was a teacher of mine for a long time, I survived. I’m still here, stronger and healthier than ever. And I’m not stopping.
Every day, I discover something that calls me to move beyond my limitations and step outside of my comfort zone. Each time I face a fear, I become stronger. I share and discuss this deeper work because it’s important for our collective healing and growth.
If I am going through it, chances are others are too. Humans are evolving and there are more empaths walking this earth than ever before. The time for deep soul healing is now.
I have often felt as if I am being forged by fire. Like a sword of iron that is heated to a glowing red, then pounded as it is shaped and sharpened. Eventually I will become like stainless steel. And as I type these words, Spirit reminds me that there is a part of me that has always been stainless.
I realize lately that as I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I give others sacred permission to do the same.
The work I do is not just about physical transformation & healing, but restoring balance at every level of being. It is about liberation from old programming and false matrixes that keep us spiritually stunted and enslaved by fear. As we make changes, the ghosts from our past will haunt us. It will be as if we are battling an old enchantment.
Awareness reveals that day by day, choice by choice, and moment by moment we stand at a great crossroads of magic. The choices we make ripple out into the future, weaving new opportunities and outcomes. With every healthy choice I make, I claim wellness and liberation from what no longer serves me. In the infinite now moment, I claim my fate road.
And with these words, I give others the sacred permission to do the same.